I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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