You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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