Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
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He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
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And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
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