God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
