I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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