You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
