If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
