everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..