Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
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I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER