gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
