I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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