She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
