So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
