I'm so fucking centered right now
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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