I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
