How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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