Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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