did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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