oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
she peed on how many people?
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Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
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Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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