Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
