It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
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In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
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I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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