I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
is wine microwaveable?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
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I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
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I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster