Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.