turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Never joke about your clitoris.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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