We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
