I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
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Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
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YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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