Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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