when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
