I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Drunk is a universal language darling
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
