There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
