Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
