i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
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We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
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I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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