Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Randomize