Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
he shaved USA in his pubs
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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