Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
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The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
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He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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