how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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