I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
