I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site