This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson