I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
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