he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
