Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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