Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage