I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
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The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
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when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND