Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies