I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
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So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
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If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say