Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
We are two peas in an std pod
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize