By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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