i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
