I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
