had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
