i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
