she told me i tasted like america
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
