He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize