dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
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he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
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Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?