I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
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Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
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Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms