I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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